God reminded me of something these past few days. something i had forgotten for a while.

this summer, after i came back from my missions trip in Japan, i was excited. i was excited because i knew how i could make a difference in vancouver, with my life. i was determined and passionate about point people toward God, to bring them one step closer to God (whether they were Christian or non-Christian). and i knew i had many opportunities, especially with the friends and family i had.

but these past few months, i seemed to have forgotten this. it's like i have fallen asleep... and God has slowly and gently woken me up. i'm slowly coming awake - but still groggy. but praise God that He loves me so much to wake me up.

we fall asleep sometimes. and the Lord nudges us gently to awake. for He doesn't want us to miss what He's doing in this generation, He doesn't want us to miss His glory. but sometimes it takes more than a nudge, it takes a louder shout - one that is not so gentle, kinda like a rude awakening. but praise God that He awakens us.


When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."
~John 11:43-44~

laughter is an interesting thing. it seems to have different roles/effects. on one hand, it is very useful for covering hurt or pain or awkwardness (i.e. nervous laughter). on the hand, it has a strange way of providing life and strength and ease.

i had a great time today. there was much laughter, and i enjoyed every bit of it. ad lib skits, friends being silly, other people laughing - those make me laugh. i haven't laughed so much in a long time. and when i laugh, i am reminded of how God created us to be able to enjoy life in so many ways. what a great God. =)

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
~Psalm 126:2-3~

wow. i've almost forgotten about this site.

the last week or so, i've been so anxious to use my time wisely and be productive (because it's my last week before work). and i miss sitting down to read God's word without a schedule, to think and ponder and meditate without the nagging feeling of needing to do the next thing.

i had a really good chat with my pastor today. i told him what was going on the past few weeks, and he prayed about what advice to give me. so this morning, i had my own personalized message from my pastor, just for me. i feel so special. i was reminded that my search wasn't over yet, that there is still much to find and discover. and although i have a job, my questions of identity and purpose and direction are still unanswered. there's something significant that God has planned for my life - and my quest is to find that. sure it'll take time. but i will continue searching, even as i work.

the Lord has much to teach me, and i have much growing to do. i must keep on asking that He work in me, through me, and around me.


Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
~Matt 7:7~

some lyrics to a song - i wish i could sing it and really mean it


I will praise You, Lord my God
Even in my brokenness I will praise You Lord
I will praise You, Lord my God
Even in my desperation I will praise you Lord

And I can't understand all that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands and though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise You Lord
Even in the darkest valley I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

you know what? it seems that my friends and family are more excited about my job than i am. no, they definately are more excited. a little strange? yes. but also very encouraging.

it seems strange that in the midst of this blessing, i can still find things to be discontent about. it's frustrating how pessimistic and critical i am sometimes (ha ha. this really is a strange gift i have).

but i thank God for surrounding me with people that remind me of God's blessing, of His answer to my prayer, of His providence. these people remind me to give thanks, to be joyful, to rejoice! that's a lesson that i need to continually learn. i need to practise gratitude, make it a habit.


Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
~Romans 12:15~

so during the last hour of my fast, i shut myself in my room, broke out my guitar and my bible and sat on my bed. i sat and waited. i hoped to get some inspiration or a song or a verse that would assist me as i seeked to find God.

what happened was not what i expected. as i waited, my thoughts kept going toward what i was gonna do before i started work (i just found out before that God provided me an extra week before i start work - i guess to finish up what i need to). i kept on thinking of what to do - and it was always something adventurous or risky or crazy - things that i really wanted to do, that made my heart beat with excitement. i haven't had this feeling for a long time.

then i started flipping through "wild at heart", and i came across this quote: "don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." this reminded me of a verse in deuteronomy (it's at the bottom).

wow. what? wow. wait, what is God trying to tell me here?
to me, He seems to be saying, "go live life. enjoy it. take risks. find an adventure. choose to come alive. your valley is coming to an end, and it is time."

so next week is going to be something. what will i do exactly? i don't know. but i pray that through this, i'll come one step closer to knowing God, to finding Him, and finding who He made me to be and how He made me to live. Guide me Lord.

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, sot hat you and your children may live and that you maylove the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life..."
~Deuteronomy 30:19-20~

laziness update for today: 90 minute differential this morning between time the alarm clock went off, and time i got out of bed. actually, it was the phone again that finally got me out of bed. it was the lady from shaw cable, offering us a cheap TV basic cable deal for $10 a month. a special promotion just for us. somehow i mustered up the self-control to decline it. later on, as i was attempting to meditate on some Scripture, i’m not sure how exactly it happened, but SOMEhow i ended up in my bed ready to sleep. i tried to call some people on my cell phone, but it wasn’t working. so i ended up napping.... for an hour maybe? and in my state of maybe-i-should-get-up-but-i-don’t-feel-like-it i called someone, who did a good job of convincing me to get out of bed. good thing my cell phone was working, or else who knows how long i would’ve been in bed for? (and somehow, i’m not sure if it’s good or bad, i don’t feel so bad about sleeping in or napping anymore)

anyways...

i got a job today. =)
it’s exactly what i was looking for (except that it’s only minimum pay). i’ll get experience in the transportation/logistics field, and it’s only a 5 minute drive away! it’s a temporary job though. for 3 months. and then the company will decide whether they’ll want to keep me, and if they do, then give me a better salary. and in the meantime, i have permission to keep job searching, and quit this job if i get any offers i want. (so thanks for your prayers!)

this is definitely an answer to prayer.
is this where i think God wants me to go? i don’t know. all i know is that it’s an open door, the first one i’ve had in a long time, and i quickly took the opportunity (because honestly, i’m just desperate to do SOMEthing). is this a good reason to take the job? i’m not sure. but i pray as i take a step in this direction, God would continue to guide me and direct me to where He wants me to go.

so this time of unemployment is coming to an end. and it was a hard time for me. but i feel like it shouldn’t be over so soon, because i’m not even sure what God has really taught me though this. i mean, there had BETTER be a reason i went through this hard time. (well, i have ideas of what God is trying to teach me, but i don’t feel like i’ve actually learned the lessons)

i guess i realize that there is alot in my life i need to work through, alot that God needs to refine. “in salvation and in the growth process, God is reconciling things, bringing them back to the way they should be”. this includes me and my life. i’m in a continual process, of God bringing me back to living life as He meant it to be.

God has plans for me. and i know that they’re gonna be pretty good plans. He tells me to seek Him. but God doesn’t say i’ll find the plans, He says i’ll find Him. hm. interesting.


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD.
~Jeremiah 29:11-14~

i don't know what's wrong with me. something definately is. well, i guess i do know partly what's wrong with me: laziness, depression, unmotivation, pessimism, neediness, frustration, discontent... but what i don't know, is how to get over this. how to fix it. what the solution is. it seems like i've tried so many things (this b-log is one of them), but nothing has worked.

i keep on asking God but i sense nothing.

i long for peace, for joy, for restoration, for contentment, for rest, for freedom, for unconditional love/acceptance. the Lord promises these things, but where are they?

is it something i'm doing wrong? do i need to change something?
or is this God's doing?

sigh. what am i to do?


Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint...
~psalm 61:1-2~

so there was about a 60 minute difference between when i planned to get up and when i actually did. the difference would’ve been bigger if it wasn’t for the phone call that woke me up. so i’m thankful for the phone call, not only because it got me out of bed, but that it was also to inform me that i have an interview (Tuesday 4pm if u feel called to pray)

i was very tempted to nap at about 5pm – and i knew i would’ve given in if i didn’t call someone. so i did. and i didn’t nap. it worked like a charm.

so i spent alot of time seeking God today. but nothing really struck me. i’m not even sure what i’m expecting to happen. something hopefully. and i’m not sure what i’ll do if nothing really happens. hm. that would be discouraging. i’m already losing hope and it’s only been the first day.

in the end, i just want to please God. but i’m not sure how exactly to do it sometimes. ack. i feel like a mess.

a friend asked me a question today: at the end of your life, what would you like people to remember you for?
that gives me something to think about.

Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls”

i’m feeling very vulnerable now

and kinda stupid – some voice inside of me keeps on telling me that i’m blowing this thing out of proportion, and that people don’t want to hear about my problems, and that i can fix it myself without hassling other people

something i read in purpose-driven life today: “of course, vulnerability is risky. it can be scary to lower your defenses and open up your life to others. when you reveal your failures, feelings, frustrations, and fears, you risk rejection”. ah, how appropriate that i read this today. but it goes on, and this is the part i’m looking forward to: “but the benefits are worth the risk. vulnerability is emotionally liberating. opening up relieves stress, defuses your fears, and is the first step to freedom”. i hope what rick warren says is true.

anyways – i realized i had set my alarm clock for 8pm instead of 8am. i realized this as my cell phone rang at 8:55am. it was my friend jon who was driving me to church. the next 4 minutes involved throwing some clothes on, brushing my teeth, doing my hair (this was probably the most important part), finding my Bible, packing my bag, and running out the door. and while i was doing this i was telling myself “stupid tim, it’s your fault”

i made it through church. i made it through lunch, the afternoon, and dinner. but as i was reading this evening, tiredness overtook me. and i gave in. so from 9:30 to 11:30, i was sleeping on my couch. it was an uneasy sleep, and i woke up feeling groggy.

lately, i’ve been wondering what God wants me to do with my life. i know that alot of the time, God reveals things to people one step at a time. but i’m not even sure what my next step should be. i’ve asked God, but nothing. (and because i have no direction, this may be why i feel unmotivated, and unmotivation leads to laziness... maybe – it’s all very confusing sometimes).

so i’ve decided i need to get more serious about seeking the Lord’s direction, the next step i should take. so i’ve committed the next 3 days to earnestly reading the Word, praying, fasting, thinking, asking advice, and really looking at what God’s given me and how He’s shaped me and where He's placed me now. and i trust He’ll show me my next step. and if i need, i’ll take longer.

any thoughts?

Luke 18: 7-8
“and will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly”

so i've got a problem. some would call it unmotivation. some would call it apathy. i think it's just laziness. here are the symptons:
1) pressing the snooze button on average... 8.7 times a day. and each snooze gives me 9 more minutes
2) taking naps whenever i feel like it
3) taking naps whenever i don't feel like doing anything else
4) sitting around and just thinking, when i've slept too much already and can't sleep anymore

ok. so it's not a huge problem all the time. but i am having trouble with this. i have good days and bad days. and hopefully, by posting up what i do every day, and knowing friends are reading it, i'll overcome this struggle.

i'm reading a book called "how people grow" by dr henry cloud and dr john townsend. here's a quote from it: "we have to die to self. we must realize that we have failed and that we have no hope of reaching the life we desire in and of ourselves". and another quote: "people need two sorts of relationships to grow: the divine and the human. depend on God and people".

so i'm depending on God and on you guys. i ask that u keep me in prayer. and call me at anytime to check up on me, to make sure i'm being a good steward of my time. for this time is not mine, but God's.

thanks. i do appreciate it. let me know how i can pray for u and how i can keep you accountible.



Proverbs 6
9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-
11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.