Tired

It’s not a physical tiredness, because I’ve been getting plenty of rest. More of a weariness. I lack motivation. It seems there’s no drive or strength to fight anymore. It seems this year is ending off on a splutter. I’ve noticed a gradual diminishing of strength these past few months.

This place is familiar to me. Somehow I recovered last time. Now I’m back again. As you can see, perseverance is something I lack.

There’s a decision I need to make. It’s whether to trust God’s word and choose His way or not. This decision was always a no-brainer to me, until I actually had to choose for myself. I’m not sure why I struggle so much, why I avoid making the decision. Where do I get strength to make a commitment like this? I feel weak.

I feel selfish pitying myself. There’s millions of people worse off than me, especially with the disaster in southeast asia. (for some perspective, read pheeohnah’s dec 26 post)

"Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing

chorus:
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows he's needy"

(switchfoot - let that be enough)

"Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD , do not delay."
~Psalm 70:5~

stretch

rheumatology: the branch of medicine dealing with the study and treatment of pathologies of the muscles or tendons or joints

I saw my rheumatologist today, she says I should stretch lots of keep my back flexible (it gets stiff sometimes). I don’t stretch as much as I should. The one stretch I do is done because it’s easy (I lie on my stomach on the ground with my arms above my head). Stretching takes time, initiative, and it’s uncomfortable.

But if I don’t stretch, my flexibility and range of movement decline. It’s not obvious to me, but Dr. Caroline Patterson assures me that a year ago I could touch my toes. Now I’m missing by a centimetre.

There’s been a lot of mental stretching for me at work lately. I’ve been handling shipments I’ve never done before (this week we’re trucking DVD/VCR players from California for Future Shop / Best Buy – if you see them on sale during Christmas, remember that at least one person was super stressed arranging for them to be in Vancouver for you to see). It’s a new challenge, and it stresses me out. It’s definitely uncomfortable and humbling (because I make so many mistakes). But I grow from this experience.

I guess there’s such a thing as social stretching too. Hm, my last stretch was going to my neighbour’s place whom I hardly know, knocking on the door, and asking if I could borrow her vacuum cleaner. (so if you were here for Tiff’s birthday, I did this for you – our vacuum cleaner died in October and we haven’t vacuumed since)

And of course there’s spiritual stretching. I haven’t done much of that lately. I haven’t taken a risk out of my comfort zone, which I would have to trust God for. I haven’t shared the gospel lately, or even initiated a spiritual conversation. I haven’t said anything out-of-the-norm to encourage someone, or ask to pray for one in need. I haven’t even been bold in my prayers.

It’s comfortable and safe in this little space that is mine. But after a while, the space gets smaller, and crowded. And if I don’t venture out, there’s not much I’ll be able to do.

“[Jesus] looked around at them all, and then said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He did so, and his hand was completely restored.”
~Luke 6:10~