spiritual direction

i have a good friend taking a course at regent college on "spiritual direction". what this is is directing someone else to realize/discover their own experiences of God, their perceptions of Him, etc.

part of his course was trying this out on someone. and so when i found out, i volunteered for the guinea pig position. so tonight was about the 5th or 6th time i've met with rod one-on-one. let me share a little bit of what happens.

before we start, rod lights a candle that signifies the presence of the Holy Spirit. after a few minutes of silent reflection, rod prays that the we become aware of the Spirit's presence & guidance in our conversation.

then i talk about my experiences of God in the past few weeks. rod asks leading questions, such as, "how did God respond in that situation?".

we experiment with something new tonight. rod asks me to close my eyes and imagine Jesus inside of a box or cage. i do so, and i see Jesus sitting in a glass box. he seems quite sad. it doesn't seem like he wants to be there, but he's not fighting to get out. the box has a lock on it. rod tells me that to open the lock with the key that i have. i am hesitant at first to do so, maybe a bit fearful. but slowly i unlock the door.

"what happens?", rod asks.

Jesus gets up and steps out. and as he steps out, he grows in size... bigger and bigger and bigger. he has become a giant, the box is miniscule compared to him, as am i. i stand there amazed at what is happening.

and then Jesus walks away.

"does he see you? did he recognize you?"

no. he didn't. he's gone now. and i am sitting alone on the ground. this isn't supposed to happen. i'm confused. i feel very insignificant, forgotten, disappointed, sad. i'm expecting something else to happen, but nothing does.

"what would you want Jesus to do?"

i would want Him to recognize me. to acknowledge me, to come up to me and give me a hug, to embrace me deeply.

"where do these desires come from?"

from inside of me. in my heart. every time my heart beats, it is a shout, a cry for these things.

rod continues by talking to me about the meanings of what i've seen. there is an obvious fear of allowing God to be God. it's fear that once i understand the magnitude of God, i'll understand my own insignificance, and God will forget about me. it's much easier to have a smaller concept of who God is, it's easier to manage that way.

rod also points out that i have a large capacity for God. when Jesus walks away, i sense a large void. there are deep desires there. and thus, my experience of God is emphasized by my reaction to His absence.

we then talk about Jesus looking into my eyes, and seeing me. we talk about interaction to Jesus. these are all concepts that are not familiar to me.

as we finish, there is homework assigned. rod asks me to have a read through the story of the women with the bleeding sickness and Jesus. as i read, i should focus on the words that "shimmer" or jump out at me. when i re-read the passage, i should take notice of those words/phrases to see what God is trying to tell me. rod tells me to focus on Jesus' reaction to the woman. put myself in her shoes, and notice Jesus' response.

2nd thing to do: draw. the point is to find something to do with my hands that i enjoy. some activity that i can do while interacting with God. i'm to draw the mountains and a sunset. what i love about this picture is that the mountains are varying shades of blue. beautiful.


I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD ,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
The LORD watches over you-
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
~Psalm 121: 1,2,5-8~