KNOWING

i was pretty down today, and i wasn't sure why. it was my first day off since i started working, and i had a list of things i wanted to accomplish. and yet i lacked motivation to do them. i felt so sluggish and slow. and i was frustrated, because i thought this was over (i had felt this way for a while, a few weeks ago).

as i was feeling this way, i decided to call a friend. and after chatting about really nothing for a while, we finally got to the real stuff. in the midst of much discussion about God and us, His part and our part, purposes of struggles, past experiences, identity, quiet times, motivation, guilt... (yeah, we talked about alot of stuff), in the midst of all this, i realized something.

i remembered a few weeks ago, during my job/life/direction searching, of how i had felt the same way. and i remembered how desperate i was in seeking the Lord and His will. but after finding the job, my life just got busy. and i didn't seek after God nearly as hard. it seemed like i had been searching to find out what to do - because that seemed really urgent. i wasn't really searching to know God. so when i found out what to do, i slowed down my searching, because i didn't have an urgent reason to do so.

so these feelings, this conversation i had, and the consequent thinking on my part, helped me realize this: that the Lord longs for me to know Him. He doesn't just want me to find out what His will is, He wants me to find Him. cuz that's what this relationship is about. Now let me resume my searching...

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you," declares the LORD.
~Jeremiah 29:13-14a~